Speaking plainly about death

It's approaching the first anniversary of the death of our twins and with last Sunday's Gospel reading and the recent documentary by Rio Ferdinand, death is on my mind.

The reading set for last Sunday was John 11:1-45, and is the account of the raising of Lazarus from the dead. Lazarus and his sisters Mary and Martha are close friends of Jesus and when Lazarus falls ill, his sisters naturally call on Jesus to come to help. Jesus doesn't go immediately but waits a couple of days before setting out. In the meantime Lazarus dies, so when Jesus eventually arrives both Mary and Martha greet him with a mixture of grief, anger and accusation: "If only you had been here sooner this would not have happened!" Anger can often be a part of grief, and particularly anger towards God: "Why did you let this happen?" "If only you had done..." Mary and Martha's friendship with Jesus didn't protect them from the sorrows, worries and difficulties of life but it did allow them to be completely honest with him about how they felt, and at the same time to trust that he knew best. The worship sing that we held on to during our grief was Matt Redman's 'Blessed be your name', which talks of trusting God in the good times and in the bad times. It includes words from the Bible often heard at funerals: "You give and take away, my heart will choose to say 'Lord, blessed be your name.'" (Job 1:21)

Something else that struck me from the story of Lazarus was the discussion between Jesus and the disciples.

After [Jesus] had said this, he went on to tell them, ‘Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep; but I am going there to wake him up.’ His disciples replied, ‘Lord, if he sleeps, he will get better.’ Jesus had been speaking of his death, but his disciples thought he meant natural sleep. So then he told them plainly, ‘Lazarus is dead' (verses 11-14)

Jesus talks about Lazarus 'falling asleep' but the disciples misunderstand and assume that Lazarus is in some sort of coma state. So Jesus had to spell it out plainly "Lazarus is dead." This interaction reminded me of the language we often use about death and what that tells us about how we view death.

We use euphemisms such as 'fallen asleep', 'passed on/away/over', 'shuffled off this mortal coil' (I'll resist the temptation to go into Month Python's 'Dead Parrot sketch'!), partly to avoid facing the finality of death. "Lazarus is dead" said Jesus. Full stop. End of. (Well sort of!) One of the reasons Jesus delayed going to Mary and Martha's was to show that Lazarus really was dead. In Rio Ferdinand's recent documentary 'Being Mum and Dad' one of the widowed fathers said how important it was for him to use the words 'death' and 'killed' when talking to his children about their mother. Bereaved children often get confused with abstract language and euphemisms, and saying thing's like “they've gone away” or “they've fallen asleep” may lead to the child being afraid of holidays and bedtime. Children can usually cope a lot better with the 'blunt truth' whereas it's us adults that can't, often because we struggle to come to terms with the loss.

Our reluctance to let go of loved ones who have died also shows itself in beliefs about what happens after death. Aside from the theologically incorrect belief that we become angels after death (see one of my previous blogposts), there are the common beliefs that stars, robins, feathers, crisp packets (as Peter Kay parodies in his 'Live at the Top of the Tower' show) are proof that dead loved ones are watching over us or otherwise with us. Such thoughts are also evident in the poems often read out at funerals. A very popular one 'Do not stand at my grave and weep' says “I am a thousand winds that blow. I am the diamond glint on snow...Do not stand at my grave and cry. I am not there, I did not die!”

These beliefs are not only untrue and fanciful but also deeply unhelpful in the grief process. This seems counter-intuitive as they bring comfort to the bereaved, but in reality they show a reluctance to let go of a dead loved one and a reluctance to admit that they really have gone.

Of course religious belief has a large influence on common attitudes to death. Most religious systems teach some sort of afterlife, although Buddhism is one of the few belief systems that in which the ultimate aim is non-existence, or annihilation. Even secular and humanist funerals tend to shy away from the logical conclusion of their beliefs. It is rare to hear a secular or humanist funeral celebrant stating boldly that the person has died and is now no more than a load of atoms that will eventually become part of something else. Instead, 'humanist' funerals often talk of the person having gone on a journey which usually involves being reunited with previously deceased loved ones.

Christianity too shares some responsibility for these false beliefs, particularly in Western culture, as it proclaims the belief in the resurrection to eternal life. Indeed the raising of Lazarus makes exactly that point. Even though Lazarus will die again, Jesus is demonstrating that death will be defeated by his own resurrection. So how can this circle be squared? How can death be both final and not final?

Well the first thing to remember is that the dead are truly dead, their mortal existence is finished and there is a no interaction between the living and the dead. But Jesus' resurrection proves that death no longer has the final word, life after death is now possible. However, Jesus is also clear that the resurrection to eternal life, although it is available to everyone, will not be the outcome for everyone: “Jesus said to her, ‘I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die” (John 11: 25-26).

This belief in Jesus is not merely believing that he existed, or that he was a holy man or even that he was the Son of God, even the Devil believes that! The belief that Jesus is talking about is the 'true and lively faith' that is the subject of one of the Church of England's official homilies or sermons. It states:

Living faith is not only believing in the articles of the creed. It is also a sure trust and confidence in the mercy of God, through our Lord Jesus Christ, and a steadfast hope of all good things to be received at God’s hand. And that although we, through infirmity or temptation by our spiritual enemy, do fall from him by sin, yet if we return again to him by true repentance that he will forgive and forget our offences, for the sake of his Son, our Saviour Jesus Christ.

This true and lively faith is trusting that God will forgive us when we truly repent, because Jesus died to take the punishment we deserve.  (For more on this go to Christianity Explored)

The belief in the resurrection to eternal life is the only true comfort for grief, as St Paul wrote “Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him” (1 Thessalonians 4:13-14). So there are two types of grief: hopeless grief and hopeful grief. For those who die without a true and lively faith in Jesus there is no resurrection to eternal life, but “God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16). The Christian funeral service proclaims this good news of the resurrection through belief in Jesus but doesn't say if this promise applies to the person who had died. (Although for some people we can be fairly sure based on a life of true faith or the merciful view of young and unborn children).

This is because we can never know for sure what the status of someone's relationship with God is, we do not know if they died in the faith of Christ or not. This too can be a comfort as until we die it is never too late to turn to God. The thief who hung on a cross next to Jesus was promised life in Paradise after he came to believe in Jesus (Luke 23:39-43). Jesus' parable of the workers in the vineyard (Matthew 20:1-16) reminds us that those who come to a true and lively faith in Jesus late in life are just as much heirs to the promise of eternal life as those who have had such a faith for the whole of their lives. The great hymn 'To God be the glory' rejoices that "the vilest offender who truly believes, that moment from Jesus a pardon receives."

Ultimately, what the funeral service reminds us is that although for the person who had died time has run out to respond to the invitation of Jesus to believe in him, our time has not yet run out. Therefore we pray “give us grace to use aright the time that is left to us here on earth to turn to Christ and follow in his footsteps in the way that leads to everlasting life."

So we need to speak plainly about death. We need to acknowledge that the dead person has gone and is only 'with us' through our memories of them and not through stars or breezes or crisp packets. And we need to be clear that eternal life is only given to those who have a true and lively faith in Jesus during their earthly life. If we don't grasp these truths, hard as they may be, then we may live in the false comfort that our loved ones are 'safe' and 'happy' and therefore with the false hope that we too will be safe and happy and reunited with them after our deaths, even if we don't have a true and lively faith in Jesus. And false comfort and false hope are no comfort and no hope at all; and will not lead us to eternal life.  But there is a hope.