I am what I am

Here's my February magazine article:

Lent is often a time for introspection and self-examination; a time for assessing one's life. Three common responses to this self-reflection centre around the phrase: “I am what I am”.

The first use of this phase is a pessimistic resignation: “I don't like who I am but I can't change it (even though I've tried)”.

The second is the more common use, signified by the hit song of that title from the musical La Cage aux Folles. Used this way the phrase is a celebratory declaration of pride in who you are, warts and all, and regardless of what anyone else thinks about it.

The third use, perhaps surprisingly, is to be found in the Bible: in 1 Corinthians 15:10, the Apostle Paul says “by the grace of God, I am what I am”. Although the second use is also sometimes given a religious overtone: “I am the way God made me”, the way Paul uses it is completely different. He is talking about his status as an Apostle, one of the select group who were acknowledged as having the highest teaching authority in the early Church. He says that because he used to persecute the Church he shouldn't be called an apostle, but he is because of God's grace, God's undeserved favour, and not because of anything Paul himself can take credit for. Paul knows he's been given a position he doesn't deserve, so the glory for who he is is God's alone.

Paul's phrase was picked up hundreds of years later by John Newton, the slave-trader-turned-abolitionist who wrote “Amazing Grace”. Towards the end of his life he is quoted as saying “though I am not what I ought to be, nor what I wish to be, nor what I hope to be, I can truly say, I am not what I once was; a slave to sin and Satan; and I can heartily join with the apostle, and acknowledge, 'By the grace of God I am what I am.' ” In his self-examination he acknowledges his faults but neither despairs at them nor celebrates them. Instead he looks at how through God's grace and help he has repented and is reforming and will continue to do so.

Anyone who honestly examines themselves will agree with Newton's assessment: “I am not what I ought to be, nor what I wish to be, nor what I hope to be” because “if we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us” (1 John 1:8). The choice then is what we do with this assessment: do we despair that we could ever change, or do we celebrate our sins as being essential parts of who we are? Or do we, with Paul and Newton, acknowledge our failings and repent of them in the knowledge that “if we confess our sins, God is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9)