It's
approaching the first anniversary of the death of our twins and with
last Sunday's Gospel reading and the recent documentary by Rio
Ferdinand, death is on my mind.
The
reading set for last Sunday was John 11:1-45, and is the account of
the raising of Lazarus from the dead. Lazarus and his sisters Mary
and Martha are close friends of Jesus and when Lazarus falls ill, his
sisters naturally call on Jesus to come to help. Jesus doesn't go
immediately but waits a couple of days before setting out. In the
meantime Lazarus dies, so when Jesus eventually arrives both Mary and
Martha greet him with a mixture of grief, anger and accusation: "If
only you had been here sooner this would not have happened!"
Anger can often be a part of grief, and particularly anger towards
God: "Why did you let this happen?" "If only you had
done..." Mary and Martha's friendship with Jesus didn't protect
them from the sorrows, worries and difficulties of life but it did
allow them to be completely honest with him about how they felt, and
at the same time to trust that he knew best. The worship sing that we
held on to during our grief was Matt Redman's 'Blessed be your name',
which talks of trusting God in the good times and in the bad times.
It includes words from the Bible often heard at funerals: "You
give and take away, my heart will choose to say 'Lord, blessed be
your name.'" (Job 1:21)
Something
else that struck me from the story of Lazarus was the discussion
between Jesus and the disciples.
After [Jesus] had said this, he went on to tell
them, ‘Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep; but I am going there
to wake him up.’ His disciples replied, ‘Lord, if he
sleeps, he will get better.’ Jesus had been speaking of his death,
but his disciples thought he meant natural sleep. So then he told
them plainly, ‘Lazarus is dead' (verses 11-14)
Jesus
talks about Lazarus 'falling asleep' but the disciples misunderstand
and assume that Lazarus is in some sort of coma state. So Jesus had
to spell it out plainly "Lazarus is dead." This interaction
reminded me of the language we often use about death and what that
tells us about how we view death.
We
use euphemisms such as 'fallen asleep', 'passed on/away/over',
'shuffled off this mortal coil' (I'll resist the temptation to go
into Month Python's 'Dead Parrot sketch'!), partly to avoid facing
the finality of death. "Lazarus is dead" said Jesus. Full
stop. End of. (Well sort of!) One of the reasons Jesus delayed going
to Mary and Martha's was to show that Lazarus really was dead. In
Rio Ferdinand's recent documentary 'Being Mum and Dad' one of the
widowed fathers said how important it was for him to use the words
'death' and 'killed' when talking to his children about their mother.
Bereaved children often get confused with abstract language and
euphemisms, and saying thing's like “they've gone away” or
“they've fallen asleep” may lead to the child being afraid of
holidays and bedtime. Children can usually cope a lot better with
the 'blunt truth' whereas it's us adults that can't, often because we
struggle to come to terms with the loss.
Our
reluctance to let go of loved ones who have died also shows itself in
beliefs about what happens after death. Aside from the theologically
incorrect belief that we become angels after death (see one of my previous blogposts),
there are the common beliefs that stars, robins, feathers, crisp
packets (as Peter Kay parodies in his 'Live at the Top of the Tower'
show) are proof that dead loved ones are watching over us or
otherwise with us. Such thoughts are also evident in the poems often
read out at funerals. A very popular one 'Do not stand at my grave
and weep' says “I am a thousand winds that blow. I am the diamond
glint on snow...Do not stand at my grave and cry. I am not there, I
did not die!”
These
beliefs are not only untrue and fanciful but also deeply unhelpful in
the grief process. This seems counter-intuitive as they bring
comfort to the bereaved, but in reality they show a reluctance to let
go of a dead loved one and a reluctance to admit that they really
have gone.
Of
course religious belief has a large influence on common attitudes to
death. Most religious systems teach some sort of afterlife, although
Buddhism is one of the few belief systems that in which the ultimate
aim is non-existence, or annihilation. Even secular and humanist
funerals tend to shy away from the logical conclusion of their
beliefs. It is rare to hear a secular or humanist funeral celebrant
stating boldly that the person has died and is now no more than a
load of atoms that will eventually become part of something else.
Instead, 'humanist' funerals often talk of the person having gone on
a journey which usually involves being reunited with previously
deceased loved ones.
Christianity
too shares some responsibility for these false beliefs, particularly
in Western culture, as it proclaims the belief in the resurrection to
eternal life. Indeed the raising of Lazarus makes exactly that point.
Even though Lazarus will die again, Jesus is demonstrating that death
will be defeated by his own resurrection. So how can this circle be
squared? How can death be both final and not final?
Well the first thing to remember is that the dead
are truly dead, their mortal existence is finished and there is a no
interaction between the living and the dead. But Jesus' resurrection
proves that death no longer has the final word, life after death is
now possible. However, Jesus is also clear that the resurrection to
eternal life, although it is available to everyone, will not be the
outcome for everyone: “Jesus said to her, ‘I am the
resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even
though they die;
and whoever lives by
believing in me will never die” (John 11: 25-26).
This
belief in Jesus is not merely believing that he existed, or that he
was a holy man or even that he was the Son of God, even the Devil
believes that! The belief that Jesus is talking about is the 'true
and lively faith' that is the subject of one of the Church of
England's official homilies or sermons. It states:
Living faith is not only believing in the articles
of the creed. It is also a sure trust and confidence in the mercy of
God, through our Lord Jesus Christ, and a steadfast hope of all good
things to be received at God’s hand. And that although we, through
infirmity or temptation by our spiritual enemy, do fall from him by
sin, yet if we return again to him by true repentance that he will
forgive and forget our offences, for the sake of his Son, our Saviour
Jesus Christ.
This
true and lively faith is trusting that God will forgive us when we
truly repent, because Jesus died to take the punishment we deserve. (For more on this go to Christianity Explored)
The belief in the resurrection to eternal life is
the only true comfort for grief, as St Paul wrote “Brothers and
sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in
death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have
no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we
believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep
in him” (1 Thessalonians 4:13-14). So there are two types of grief:
hopeless grief and hopeful grief. For those who die without a true
and lively faith in Jesus there is no resurrection to eternal life,
but “God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that
whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life”
(John 3:16). The Christian funeral service proclaims this good news
of the resurrection through belief in Jesus but doesn't say if this
promise applies to the person who had died. (Although for some people
we can be fairly sure based on a life of true faith or the merciful
view of young and unborn children).
This
is because we can never know for sure what the status of someone's
relationship with God is, we do not know if they died in the faith of
Christ or not. This too can be a comfort as until we die it is never
too late to turn to God. The thief who hung on a cross next to Jesus
was promised life in Paradise after he came to believe in Jesus
(Luke 23:39-43). Jesus' parable of the workers in the vineyard
(Matthew 20:1-16) reminds us that those who come to a true and lively
faith in Jesus late in life are just as much heirs to the promise of
eternal life as those who have had such a faith for the whole of
their lives. The great hymn 'To God be the glory' rejoices that "the
vilest offender who truly believes, that moment from Jesus a pardon
receives."
Ultimately,
what the funeral service reminds us is that although for the person
who had died time has run out to respond to the invitation of Jesus
to believe in him, our time has not yet run out. Therefore we pray
“give us grace to use aright the time that is left to us here on
earth to turn to Christ and follow in his footsteps in the way that
leads to everlasting life."
So
we need to speak plainly about death. We need to acknowledge that the
dead person has gone and is only 'with us' through our memories of
them and not through stars or breezes or crisp packets. And we need
to be clear that eternal life is only given to those who have a true
and lively faith in Jesus during their earthly life. If we don't
grasp these truths, hard as they may be, then we may live in the
false comfort that our loved ones are 'safe' and 'happy' and
therefore with the false hope that we too will be safe and happy and
reunited with them after our deaths, even if we don't have a true and
lively faith in Jesus. And false comfort and false hope are no
comfort and no hope at all; and will not lead us to eternal life. But there is a hope.
